My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf

Mitch Hedberg, master of non sequitur. Too bad he had to die so early. (clips and more quotes)
Of course Steven Wright is still the king of deadpan one-liners with a twist.

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